Welcome to episode six of my podcast. It is late afternoon now, and I just finished a gym session. The reason I want to podcast right now is that I could feel a wave of grief, sadness, and emptiness after finishing my workout. I sat down at my desk knowing I had work to do with some freelancers we tried to hire, and I just felt so much sadness that I couldn't even put my hands on the keyboard and mouse.

I asked ChatGPT if it could help me make a plan to start a friendship with Julian. ChatGPT asked me a simple question: if you meet Julian for coffee and he tells you he's dating someone new and is excited about it, would you be okay with that? I said, "No, I'd be fuming—I'd be jealous." In that moment, I realized just how hurt I have been since all of this happened, and how tragic the whole thing feels. It wasn't even a relationship. At first I told myself I made it up in my mind—though I didn't really make it up; I just thought we were matching each other's pace, whereas for him it was only a casual connection.

I really don't understand how we got here, but I'm sad that I don't get to receive a message from him. I don't get to hear about his day. I don't get to see what he's up to or what he cooks. I don't get to see him on weekends. I don't get to cuddle with him while we listen to music together. I don't get to sleep and wake up next to him. I don't get to build a life with him. I don't get to be chosen by him, and I don't get to choose him. I don't get any of that.

Instead, the reality of what I got was: "I'm unsure about you. I don't know if romantic feelings exist at all for you." That is what I got. And I'm sad that this is the reality—that I don't get to message him, laugh together, or open up with him.

Most importantly, I realized I never asked for what I wanted. I never went to Julian and said, "Listen, I want to build something serious with you because I really like you, so I want to know where you stand—are you on the same page or not?" I never did that. That is a huge lesson for the future: ask people for what you want and state what you expect. "I want this." When I spoke to my team today, I was very clear: "I want this, I want to do this." Being a people-pleaser—someone who erased and toned down his own needs in order to be accepted or approved by others, someone who put the connection above his own needs—meant that I never actually said what I wanted, even with Julian.

The reality of grief is that it shows up as small waves of tears and sadness throughout the day, just like it did right now. And this podcast is my way of letting those thoughts out without planning what I'm going to say—just letting them out and recognizing what I need.

Speaking of wanting: what do I actually want? Some wants aren't useful—I could want to be eighteen again, or I could want to fly, but those aren't realistic wants. Rather than saying, "I want Julian," I can say, "I want a healthy connection with someone. I want to love and be loved." And to achieve that goal, I have to date people with openness, meet people, and put myself out there without losing myself.

Moving on: it has only been a little over a week since things ended and I asked for space. I think a month should be enough to be over it, because it was very short, and I don't think it's fair to myself to let it affect me for too long. My voice and vocal cords are also still strained today, so I might take a bit of time off to rest.

I want to end this podcast with a few thoughts on community. Yesterday, an AI told me that I don't spend enough time around people or communities. So I looked up some local groups—music, choirs, board games—and the idea felt so performative to me. Going somewhere just to chat with strangers feels almost like a nursing-home style of forced community, and that's just not me; I wouldn't enjoy it. Being around random people or going to a coworking space just to cure loneliness isn't what we actually need. If I can find something I genuinely enjoy doing where other people happen to be, that would work—though I don't know what that is yet, or whether Oxford offers it.

At the same time, a big part of this is simply sitting with myself and processing my emotions and feelings. Even now, I already feel better having recorded this podcast and processed these emotions. Thank you for coming to my podcast.