Hello, and welcome to episode three of my solo podcast. I can't believe I'm starting this podcast. Speaking on the microphone is something I quite enjoy, if I haven't mentioned that already. I don't know what's going to happen with this podcast—maybe it's a tool for self-reflection, or maybe it'll become something big.

Recently, I've learned the hard way the value of not planning things out in your mind, not anticipating or building up an image of things, and not getting ahead of ourselves. That is very important in life, because we do this whenever we start a job, date someone, want to move to a certain city, or start any venture. We carry a lot of expectations instead of keeping an open mind because, when we're anxious, we have this constant need to look for certainty. But life doesn't work that way; life is an exploratory venture.

I made this mistake lately with Julian by building things up in my mind and not seeing what was so obvious. Perhaps I haven't mentioned this to anyone, but one of the most striking pieces of evidence to me that Julian didn't like me the way I liked him happened when I went to see him recently. We went on a walk together around Greenwich by the river, and he asked, "Is this the first time you've been around here?" I said, "No, what do you mean? We walked here last time."

He couldn't remember the time we walked there. For me, that was a big red flag, because I had kissed him there, we held hands, and I opened up to him and was vulnerable about growing up in a conservative country. We kissed there, and to me it was the most beautiful thing ever—and he had no memory of it. To me, that is insane.

After that, we went back to his place and I left. I didn't text him for a few days, and then he sent the message saying this connection wasn't working anymore. Why did he do what he did? It's confusing. I don't want an explanation and I don't want to analyze it heavily, but it definitely made me sad.

Back to the point: the reason I'm recording this podcast now is that I feel like I don't know what I like or what I like to do. After the last episode, I thought a good idea would be to "date London"—to go to different areas in London and explore. But whether it's neurodivergence, autism, or anxiety, I don't want to step out of my comfort zone, mostly because I don't know what I'll do once I get there. I don't like museums, and I don't want to pay for entry into museums—I just don't like them.

It's hard for me to figure out what I like, what I want to do, or what I want to explore and see. Perhaps there is an anxious part of me that doesn't want to explore—a fear of letting go of my routine and stepping out, because I've had this sanctuary that protected me. Yet deep inside, I know I want to start dating London and exploring: "Do I like this area? Do I like this place at all? What about the people?" It's about keeping an open mind without being anxious, and that feels hard at the moment.

I considered going to Reading too, or maybe going to swim in a hotel pool for a bit. Say I go to London instead today—to Bloomsbury or Holborn or wherever—what am I going to do? I just don't see it. Am I going to walk? Am I going to go shopping?

I love this microphone. Today I'm resting my voice.

I think this London thing is really about anxiety, because I'm worried about it before I've even gone there. I want to go and explore, but I've had times before where I go, feel puzzled, don't want to do anything, and just want to sit in my room. In those moments, I don't have that curious, playful side of me that wants to get out, explore, and see what's interesting or exciting out there today.

I don't know if I should go to London, stick to Oxford, or go to Reading. I definitely feel like I want to do something outside my routine, because I don't want to just go to a coffee shop, read, and go to the gym—I think it also does a disservice to my routine if I just do the exact same thing every day. Or should I stick to my routine because I'm just chasing novelty? I don't know, but this is my podcast—it's this tension. Thank you for coming to episode three.